Nani - I will always miss you

Nothing in life is constant. No one can stay with you forever. Alone you come and alone you go, along the way you meet people, forge bonds and make memories but that is all that there is – memories. This post is dedicated to my nani who passed away on 22nd August, 2011.

When you are a small child the most secure and loving lap is that of a grandparent. They are the ones who impart the values and customs which have been prevailing since time immemorial. They are the ones you run to when your parents are angry at you because you know they will be your shield. Although all four grandparents will love you equally special emphasis has always been placed on the maternal grandmother – nani. There is a small rhyme which we used to sing when we were little:

nani ke ghar jayenge,
dhudh malai khayenge,
mote hokar aayenge,
nani ke ghar jayenge

A loose translation is that when you go to visit your grandmother the amount of love and care you will get will make you healthier. You will be fed the best of the foods and given the best care.

My grandmother was one such person – she loved unconditionally. That love was not restricted to us but to every living being, be it the maid who worked at the house or the stray dog who adopted her as a master. When we would enter her house we would receive the warmest hug because she would be so happy to see us. We would be treated to our favourite foods, taken to deer park where we would all enjoy and have a blast. As we grew older the visits reduced in frequency because we got busy in our lives but the love from her never diminished. The hug, if possible, only got warmer as time passed. We saw her become old and weak but her spirit never diminished. She still loved going out and meeting people. She loved life and refused to let age come in her way. People say that adversities bog a person down but she took each and every one of them in her stride and came out stronger and more caring.

The day she died there were over 150 people present for her cremation and wishes of many more went with her. I was in Chennai and had to take a flight and couldn’t find anything white in my cupboard to wear, so I called up my mom and her reply was we are not wearing white. We are not mourning her death, we are celebrating her life. She lived to be 85 and did all that was expected from her and more. She saw three grandchildren being born and was proud of each and every one of them. For her it didn’t matter how we did as long as we were happy. On her prayer ceremony as I watched the hall fill up, it was a even mixture of family and friends. Friends would also be the wrong word here because she actually made everyone feel like family. People from all walks of life and all ages were there. Everyone had only one thing to say about her – she was one of the warmest people we know. That statement is so true because she was the warmest person I knew.

I made many mistakes and was not the best grandchild she could have been blessed with but today when I sit here and remember her, I know that she was the best grandmother I could have received. She taught me the importance of being a good human being, the importance of prayer and the importance of life and all this was done in her non imposing way. She never forced anything on us, just said that this is good and this is not. I probably never realised the love I had for her while she was alive and it took her death to make me realise how much I truly loved her and looked forward to seeing her. I can’t make amends now because she is no more but I ask her to forgive me and love me the way she always did. These lines are dedicated to her:

I, I want to wish you well
I didn’t watch you go
Cause I suppose I don’t know how
I, I will remember you
Not the way you left but how you lived
And what you knew

I, I want to feel your hands
I want to feel your fire burning
Right from where I stand

I’ll find my way
Cause you showed me how

I, I want to know it’s you
When I hear your voice inside my head
Inside my room
I, want to touch the sky
I want to see the stars twinkle
Like they were your eyes

I’ll find my way
You showed me
I’ll find my way
Cause you showed me how

I, I want to smell your scent
I want to breathe the air I did before
Before you left
I, I want to wish you well
The only reason my heart beats
Is cause you showed it how

I’ll find my way
You show me
I’ll find my way
You show me
I’ll find my way
Cause you showed me how
You show me how
You showed me how

I will always miss you and love you.