loneliness

Sitting here alone in a crowd
Watching as time passes by
An ache starts in my heart
Taking base in the time gone by

A single sigh says so much
Holding the key to so many hurts
A feeling of dread slowly comes
Like a mist covering the moor

Days turn into night and night into days
Time keeps moving by
The feeling of loneliness increases bit by bit
Encompassing and overshadowing everything

You look for a hug, a comfort zone
The hands come back all alone
Virtual hugs and love is all there is
To make you feel at ease

Sitting here alone in a crowd
Watching as time passes by

Nani - I will always miss you

Nothing in life is constant. No one can stay with you forever. Alone you come and alone you go, along the way you meet people, forge bonds and make memories but that is all that there is – memories. This post is dedicated to my nani who passed away on 22nd August, 2011.

When you are a small child the most secure and loving lap is that of a grandparent. They are the ones who impart the values and customs which have been prevailing since time immemorial. They are the ones you run to when your parents are angry at you because you know they will be your shield. Although all four grandparents will love you equally special emphasis has always been placed on the maternal grandmother – nani. There is a small rhyme which we used to sing when we were little:

nani ke ghar jayenge,
dhudh malai khayenge,
mote hokar aayenge,
nani ke ghar jayenge

A loose translation is that when you go to visit your grandmother the amount of love and care you will get will make you healthier. You will be fed the best of the foods and given the best care.

My grandmother was one such person – she loved unconditionally. That love was not restricted to us but to every living being, be it the maid who worked at the house or the stray dog who adopted her as a master. When we would enter her house we would receive the warmest hug because she would be so happy to see us. We would be treated to our favourite foods, taken to deer park where we would all enjoy and have a blast. As we grew older the visits reduced in frequency because we got busy in our lives but the love from her never diminished. The hug, if possible, only got warmer as time passed. We saw her become old and weak but her spirit never diminished. She still loved going out and meeting people. She loved life and refused to let age come in her way. People say that adversities bog a person down but she took each and every one of them in her stride and came out stronger and more caring.

The day she died there were over 150 people present for her cremation and wishes of many more went with her. I was in Chennai and had to take a flight and couldn’t find anything white in my cupboard to wear, so I called up my mom and her reply was we are not wearing white. We are not mourning her death, we are celebrating her life. She lived to be 85 and did all that was expected from her and more. She saw three grandchildren being born and was proud of each and every one of them. For her it didn’t matter how we did as long as we were happy. On her prayer ceremony as I watched the hall fill up, it was a even mixture of family and friends. Friends would also be the wrong word here because she actually made everyone feel like family. People from all walks of life and all ages were there. Everyone had only one thing to say about her – she was one of the warmest people we know. That statement is so true because she was the warmest person I knew.

I made many mistakes and was not the best grandchild she could have been blessed with but today when I sit here and remember her, I know that she was the best grandmother I could have received. She taught me the importance of being a good human being, the importance of prayer and the importance of life and all this was done in her non imposing way. She never forced anything on us, just said that this is good and this is not. I probably never realised the love I had for her while she was alive and it took her death to make me realise how much I truly loved her and looked forward to seeing her. I can’t make amends now because she is no more but I ask her to forgive me and love me the way she always did. These lines are dedicated to her:

I, I want to wish you well
I didn’t watch you go
Cause I suppose I don’t know how
I, I will remember you
Not the way you left but how you lived
And what you knew

I, I want to feel your hands
I want to feel your fire burning
Right from where I stand

I’ll find my way
Cause you showed me how

I, I want to know it’s you
When I hear your voice inside my head
Inside my room
I, want to touch the sky
I want to see the stars twinkle
Like they were your eyes

I’ll find my way
You showed me
I’ll find my way
Cause you showed me how

I, I want to smell your scent
I want to breathe the air I did before
Before you left
I, I want to wish you well
The only reason my heart beats
Is cause you showed it how

I’ll find my way
You show me
I’ll find my way
You show me
I’ll find my way
Cause you showed me how
You show me how
You showed me how

I will always miss you and love you.

Life Changing Events

Ever so often in life we come across events which change who we are as people, change our priorities, our thinking. They change how we see things, how we react, how we value life. People call them life altering events, which in truth they are, but just not for everyone. 20 people could witness the same event and it would affect them differently.

I recently witnessed one such event; an event which changed me as a person; an event which made me look at life differently and re-evaluate my priorities. It made me look at things and people around me more closely. It made me question one of my biggest beliefs; made me question my dependency on people. Till a few weeks back whenever anyone would say that you should be in a relationship my answer to them was why everybody is so dependent on relationships? Why do you want everyone to have a boyfriend/girlfriend? We all eventually will get married and find our life partners so why put so much importance on that one relation? I was always happy for people who had someone but I never truly felt the need for that someone special until very recently. I was always happy with the people around me because they understood me and loved me for who I was. Then a few things happened and it got me questioning my own belief on this topic. The event last week was like the last nail on the coffin. The truth is you do need someone special in your life; you do need someone in whose life you are a priority and who is not just a priority in yours; someone who will be there through your highs and lows; someone from whom you can expect a little bit more.

I have a great set of friends, people who have always supported me and been there for me but today I want more. I may be right or I may be wrong but suddenly the importance of that certain someone in life has risen quite a few notches. So to all the people who say that you do need someone I agree with you today. All said and done I would still maintain one thing; you still need to be at peace with yourself before you can be in harmony with someone at else. So yes you do need someone but just ensure that you don’t lose yourself to that person or that relation. I can’t help but remember this one line from a song from the movie “U Me or Hum” – “Tum, Tum bhi raho, main, main bhi rahon, hum, hum bhi rahen”

Tanhai

ek baat ho li chupke se
jo dil ko chu gayi kahin
roya yeh dil aise ki
aawaz bhi nai sunayi di kahin

bheed main bhi tanhai mili
aur mehfil main udasi
doston ke beech akelapan naseeb hua
jisse hone laga zindagi ka guzara

aisi rahon par hum chal diye
jihne kehte hai log tanha
ek baat ho li chupke se
ab toh dil roya bhi nahin

Dil

Dil ka haal bayaan kare toh kaare kaise
Dil se baat chupaye toh bhala kaise
Dil sunta hai kisi ki kahan
yeh toh bhatakta hai aawaron ki tarah

kabhi ruth jaata hai yuhin
kabhi sur gungunata hai naye
kabhi ithlata kabhi itrata hai kahin
kisi par aa jaye toh chanchal ho jaata hai kahin

choti choti khushiyan manata hai yeh pagla
ruth jaaye toh ro deta hai ek pal main
ilteja hai use jise dil denge yeh
sambhaal kar rakhna naazuk hai bada yeh

tootega toh aawaz aayegi nai
chot itni gehri lagegi ke dikhayi degi nai
shayad phir yeh pyaar kaar na paaye
agar pyaar main dhoka yeh khaaye

Dil ki baatein tumhe aur sunaye kya
isse bada raaz duniye main hai hi kahan!!

Something close to my heart

Was going through stuff on my Lappi and came across this


Everything happens for a reason
So many things change with the season
Once in a while you find someone who really cares
Someone with whom it is easy to share
Someone who you can hold tight
Who will tell u what’s right
Someone who you can trust
Who will listen without ever making a fuss
Someone who will appreciate you even if it means going against the trends
Someone who is more a sister than a friend
Once in a while you find a gem
Someone so precious you feel lucky to have them
In you I found that person who made me dare
You have something inside you that makes you so rare
6 years have now gone by
But with u the time just seems to fly
There is never a moment in life which I can call dull
And if someone contradicts me I would just say to them “Bull”
I wrote this poem in hope that it would make some sense
But in the end I realized that for poetry my head is too dense!!!


The best part is that this still holds true and I can replace 6 with 8!!

Crossroads

Standing here in the dark
Wondering life will lead me down which path
I can hear relations break
The silent echoes of relations cared

Beloved ones vanish one by one
Enveloped by the haze of events unseen
Saying goodbye was never so hard
Moving forward was never a task

Life is going down paths unknown
The past is but a dream, the future yet unseen
Living in the present seems so hard
The eerie calm before the storm

Wondering what is wrong and right
Standing at the crossroads of life

Dost

doosron ki hasi main khushi dhundhna
unke gam main dujhi hona
kabhie roothna kabhie manana
kabhie has kar baat taal dena
dil ki baatein itminaan se batana
unke saath achhe bure pal bitana
zindagi main mil jaaye aise log
jinko dekh dil bole 'haan yeh hain humare dost'

My attempt at hindi

zindagi ke safar main log milte hai kayi
kabhi satate kabhi manate hai wohi
man lubhate toh hai kayi
saath nibhate sirf chuninda koi

din dhalke raat ho jaati hai
zindagi ke safar main rahein tang ho jaati hai
in anjaan rahoon par rahe jo aapke paas
unka shukriya-ada karna zaroor aap

kabhi koi mile jo aapko khaas
rakhna unko aapne dil ke paas
chahe woh ho dost ya aur koi
dil se nibhana rishte sabhi

aakhir zindagi ke safar nirale hai bade
kabhi rulate kabhi hasate hain hume