alone in a crowd

people pass by

love which is out there

yet hidden by many layers

a sadness felt

dealing with the hand life dealt

attention craved

attention denied

boundaries created

some self, some initiated

days, months turn into years

life seems foggy, hazed by tears

sadness filling the heart

filling, tearing it apart

alone in a crowd

life passing by

loneliness

Sitting here alone in a crowd
Watching as time passes by
An ache starts in my heart
Taking base in the time gone by

A single sigh says so much
Holding the key to so many hurts
A feeling of dread slowly comes
Like a mist covering the moor

Days turn into night and night into days
Time keeps moving by
The feeling of loneliness increases bit by bit
Encompassing and overshadowing everything

You look for a hug, a comfort zone
The hands come back all alone
Virtual hugs and love is all there is
To make you feel at ease

Sitting here alone in a crowd
Watching as time passes by

Nani - I will always miss you

Nothing in life is constant. No one can stay with you forever. Alone you come and alone you go, along the way you meet people, forge bonds and make memories but that is all that there is – memories. This post is dedicated to my nani who passed away on 22nd August, 2011.

When you are a small child the most secure and loving lap is that of a grandparent. They are the ones who impart the values and customs which have been prevailing since time immemorial. They are the ones you run to when your parents are angry at you because you know they will be your shield. Although all four grandparents will love you equally special emphasis has always been placed on the maternal grandmother – nani. There is a small rhyme which we used to sing when we were little:

nani ke ghar jayenge,
dhudh malai khayenge,
mote hokar aayenge,
nani ke ghar jayenge

A loose translation is that when you go to visit your grandmother the amount of love and care you will get will make you healthier. You will be fed the best of the foods and given the best care.

My grandmother was one such person – she loved unconditionally. That love was not restricted to us but to every living being, be it the maid who worked at the house or the stray dog who adopted her as a master. When we would enter her house we would receive the warmest hug because she would be so happy to see us. We would be treated to our favourite foods, taken to deer park where we would all enjoy and have a blast. As we grew older the visits reduced in frequency because we got busy in our lives but the love from her never diminished. The hug, if possible, only got warmer as time passed. We saw her become old and weak but her spirit never diminished. She still loved going out and meeting people. She loved life and refused to let age come in her way. People say that adversities bog a person down but she took each and every one of them in her stride and came out stronger and more caring.

The day she died there were over 150 people present for her cremation and wishes of many more went with her. I was in Chennai and had to take a flight and couldn’t find anything white in my cupboard to wear, so I called up my mom and her reply was we are not wearing white. We are not mourning her death, we are celebrating her life. She lived to be 85 and did all that was expected from her and more. She saw three grandchildren being born and was proud of each and every one of them. For her it didn’t matter how we did as long as we were happy. On her prayer ceremony as I watched the hall fill up, it was a even mixture of family and friends. Friends would also be the wrong word here because she actually made everyone feel like family. People from all walks of life and all ages were there. Everyone had only one thing to say about her – she was one of the warmest people we know. That statement is so true because she was the warmest person I knew.

I made many mistakes and was not the best grandchild she could have been blessed with but today when I sit here and remember her, I know that she was the best grandmother I could have received. She taught me the importance of being a good human being, the importance of prayer and the importance of life and all this was done in her non imposing way. She never forced anything on us, just said that this is good and this is not. I probably never realised the love I had for her while she was alive and it took her death to make me realise how much I truly loved her and looked forward to seeing her. I can’t make amends now because she is no more but I ask her to forgive me and love me the way she always did. These lines are dedicated to her:

I, I want to wish you well
I didn’t watch you go
Cause I suppose I don’t know how
I, I will remember you
Not the way you left but how you lived
And what you knew

I, I want to feel your hands
I want to feel your fire burning
Right from where I stand

I’ll find my way
Cause you showed me how

I, I want to know it’s you
When I hear your voice inside my head
Inside my room
I, want to touch the sky
I want to see the stars twinkle
Like they were your eyes

I’ll find my way
You showed me
I’ll find my way
Cause you showed me how

I, I want to smell your scent
I want to breathe the air I did before
Before you left
I, I want to wish you well
The only reason my heart beats
Is cause you showed it how

I’ll find my way
You show me
I’ll find my way
You show me
I’ll find my way
Cause you showed me how
You show me how
You showed me how

I will always miss you and love you.

Life Changing Events

Ever so often in life we come across events which change who we are as people, change our priorities, our thinking. They change how we see things, how we react, how we value life. People call them life altering events, which in truth they are, but just not for everyone. 20 people could witness the same event and it would affect them differently.

I recently witnessed one such event; an event which changed me as a person; an event which made me look at life differently and re-evaluate my priorities. It made me look at things and people around me more closely. It made me question one of my biggest beliefs; made me question my dependency on people. Till a few weeks back whenever anyone would say that you should be in a relationship my answer to them was why everybody is so dependent on relationships? Why do you want everyone to have a boyfriend/girlfriend? We all eventually will get married and find our life partners so why put so much importance on that one relation? I was always happy for people who had someone but I never truly felt the need for that someone special until very recently. I was always happy with the people around me because they understood me and loved me for who I was. Then a few things happened and it got me questioning my own belief on this topic. The event last week was like the last nail on the coffin. The truth is you do need someone special in your life; you do need someone in whose life you are a priority and who is not just a priority in yours; someone who will be there through your highs and lows; someone from whom you can expect a little bit more.

I have a great set of friends, people who have always supported me and been there for me but today I want more. I may be right or I may be wrong but suddenly the importance of that certain someone in life has risen quite a few notches. So to all the people who say that you do need someone I agree with you today. All said and done I would still maintain one thing; you still need to be at peace with yourself before you can be in harmony with someone at else. So yes you do need someone but just ensure that you don’t lose yourself to that person or that relation. I can’t help but remember this one line from a song from the movie “U Me or Hum” – “Tum, Tum bhi raho, main, main bhi rahon, hum, hum bhi rahen”

Tanhai

ek baat ho li chupke se
jo dil ko chu gayi kahin
roya yeh dil aise ki
aawaz bhi nai sunayi di kahin

bheed main bhi tanhai mili
aur mehfil main udasi
doston ke beech akelapan naseeb hua
jisse hone laga zindagi ka guzara

aisi rahon par hum chal diye
jihne kehte hai log tanha
ek baat ho li chupke se
ab toh dil roya bhi nahin

Dil

Dil ka haal bayaan kare toh kaare kaise
Dil se baat chupaye toh bhala kaise
Dil sunta hai kisi ki kahan
yeh toh bhatakta hai aawaron ki tarah

kabhi ruth jaata hai yuhin
kabhi sur gungunata hai naye
kabhi ithlata kabhi itrata hai kahin
kisi par aa jaye toh chanchal ho jaata hai kahin

choti choti khushiyan manata hai yeh pagla
ruth jaaye toh ro deta hai ek pal main
ilteja hai use jise dil denge yeh
sambhaal kar rakhna naazuk hai bada yeh

tootega toh aawaz aayegi nai
chot itni gehri lagegi ke dikhayi degi nai
shayad phir yeh pyaar kaar na paaye
agar pyaar main dhoka yeh khaaye

Dil ki baatein tumhe aur sunaye kya
isse bada raaz duniye main hai hi kahan!!

Something close to my heart

Was going through stuff on my Lappi and came across this


Everything happens for a reason
So many things change with the season
Once in a while you find someone who really cares
Someone with whom it is easy to share
Someone who you can hold tight
Who will tell u what’s right
Someone who you can trust
Who will listen without ever making a fuss
Someone who will appreciate you even if it means going against the trends
Someone who is more a sister than a friend
Once in a while you find a gem
Someone so precious you feel lucky to have them
In you I found that person who made me dare
You have something inside you that makes you so rare
6 years have now gone by
But with u the time just seems to fly
There is never a moment in life which I can call dull
And if someone contradicts me I would just say to them “Bull”
I wrote this poem in hope that it would make some sense
But in the end I realized that for poetry my head is too dense!!!


The best part is that this still holds true and I can replace 6 with 8!!

Crossroads

Standing here in the dark
Wondering life will lead me down which path
I can hear relations break
The silent echoes of relations cared

Beloved ones vanish one by one
Enveloped by the haze of events unseen
Saying goodbye was never so hard
Moving forward was never a task

Life is going down paths unknown
The past is but a dream, the future yet unseen
Living in the present seems so hard
The eerie calm before the storm

Wondering what is wrong and right
Standing at the crossroads of life

Dost

doosron ki hasi main khushi dhundhna
unke gam main dujhi hona
kabhie roothna kabhie manana
kabhie has kar baat taal dena
dil ki baatein itminaan se batana
unke saath achhe bure pal bitana
zindagi main mil jaaye aise log
jinko dekh dil bole 'haan yeh hain humare dost'

My attempt at hindi

zindagi ke safar main log milte hai kayi
kabhi satate kabhi manate hai wohi
man lubhate toh hai kayi
saath nibhate sirf chuninda koi

din dhalke raat ho jaati hai
zindagi ke safar main rahein tang ho jaati hai
in anjaan rahoon par rahe jo aapke paas
unka shukriya-ada karna zaroor aap

kabhi koi mile jo aapko khaas
rakhna unko aapne dil ke paas
chahe woh ho dost ya aur koi
dil se nibhana rishte sabhi

aakhir zindagi ke safar nirale hai bade
kabhi rulate kabhi hasate hain hume

Happy Endings

Dil Toh Pagal Hai, Raja Hindustani, Ishq, DDLJ, Kuch Kuch Hota Hai, Hum Aapke Hain Kaun and many many more....the obvious question here is why am i naming movies randomly....these are the movies i watched today....while i should have been studying i was going on a major movie marathon....but that is irrelevant to it all....the question is what was common in them all....and the answer is HAPPY ENDINGS....what exactly is a happy ending??
I don’t have the exact answer to that question...but this is my take on it...it is when you know that there will be tough times ahead but you also know that you have a support system to take care of you....it is when you know that for all the happiness around you right now there is going to be an equal amount of sadness but that it will always and always be offset by reassuring face next to you...it is when you know that you are going to fail in things that are going to come but there is a person who will be your encouragement....it is when you know that there are going to be days when all you want to do is cry but there is a shoulder always for you to cry upon.....it is when the negatives around you become minimal and the positives multiply...it is when you have the ability to smile through hard times because you believe that good times are around the corner....Happy endings are those when there is peace in your heart and a smile on your face because you believe in this world full of mistrust and angst there are people around you who are good and who will be there....like this quote from Bob Marley - “Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for."

Change - the only constant

People change whether you like it not...You change whether you realise it or not!!
"After four months I will either hate the mention of food or crave it so badly that I would give anything for good food" I said to my dad the day I landed in Chennai. Anyone who knows me would have said without any hesitation that it would be the second one and they would have been absolutely right...So the other day when I was talking to a friend of mine (also from Delhi) about good food joints in Delhi I should have been happy and I was for about 5 min...I should have been happy because I was going home for 4 days which meant I could gorge on as much good food as I wanted....and yet I was not...and this brings me to my opening line about CHANGE....
You will wonder what change has to do with me not being happy about the food discussion...it’s something like this....I would be in Delhi and I can go to as many places as I want but this would be the first time that I would be in Delhi and I would not be meeting any of my friends...even though so many of them are in town for Diwali....and that is what made me sad....and the fact that I was sad was surprising for me and it would be for most people who know me because as a general rule I don’t like people too much...I like meeting them even less and yet here I was bummed out about the fact that I would not get to meet them this time around.... and all of this because of these (not going into details) certain people who I have in my life who came in uninvited....who stayed there without the welcome and who changed me ....changed me to an extent where I started wanting people to be there around me...they made me so open that I missed talking to them.....and all of this change happened without me even realising it....they made me a better person without knowing it....because I changed when they stopped trying to change me...and when I look back at the scheme of things I am grateful to them because they tolerated the worst of me to bring out the other side....and looking ahead I know that I will always be a better person..A better friend till I have them by my side....
So yes people change whether we like it or not and we also change without realising it at all.....and as much as we may hate it at that time and as much as we may hate people for changing themselves or changing us we later realise that they got us to being closer to who we really are ....because like they say...Everything happens for a reason!!

The Seven Year Itch!!

The 7 year itch!!! A line I have started to hate especially in the recent past. Making it more so is the fact that I am not even in a relationship...not the one associated with this movie anyway....having heard this line from a friend of mine often enough one day I decided to watch this movie. Not a Casablanca or a Roman Holiday by any means but still an interesting watch...
Relationships or rather the complexity of relationships is what gets to me...I know that fundamentally relations which are easy to maintain don’t exist...but the level of complexity present in them is baffling none the less.... knowing what to say, knowing what to do..understanding the other person...hoping for understanding from the other person...the expectations and the complexities just never seem to end...and this is what got me to the statement – The SEVEN Year Itch....technically the 7 year rule doesn’t apply to me but considering that two of my closest friendships which are at stake at this point of time have an average which equals 7 I figured it might be a road worth exploring.....these are two people who may not have always understood me but always supported me...who may not have always agreed but always and always stood by me...my support system and whose support system included me...
Yet today am at a place where I haven’t spoken to either of them in days...and while they say it’s not how often you talk but rather what you talk...the point is I haven’t TALKED to them in days.....and it is not because I don’t want to talk to them or they don’t want to talk to me....nor is it because that I don’t want to be there for them....it’s just the way I am right now....and what is frustrating is the WHY of it all!!! After two frustrating weeks and endless soul searching expeditions I finally found a path...that too while cleaning my external had drive....the movie...The 7 Year Itch!!
Maybe, and this is just my understanding, that here the number 7 is not as importance as the time period it signifies... after a certain number of years, and this will vary for each person, you reach a stage or rather a stagnation point...where you think you know what the other person has to say so you don’t talk....where old issues never die down and get you depressed....where you stop understanding because your mind expects a previous repeat to happen....there are a lot of beacuses’ which I haven’t penned down and probably some more which I haven’t even comprehended...but what I do know is that talking was never so hard....never to those two people in my life....being around for them was never a task...never an effort.....things never were this complicated....directions never so contradicted..... where I am now is beyond me....where I want to be an unknown dream.....something’s just don’t make sense...Some distances just don’t seem to end....fences are broken waiting to be mended... but my mind just refuses to comprehend...

Life ain't rocket science

LOST is what I was...have been for some time now. Lost to the extent where I didn’t care...about ANYTHNING. By anything I mean anything everything...be it my studies, my friends, things happening around me...my family...there was a detachment which was disturbing for everyone around me. Indifference to the extent where I didn’t have anything to say when my closest friend was down, where not talking to anyone was just fine, where nothing seemed interesting. I was in a place where I was anything but happy...and happy I should have been. I was doing a course which had been a dream for ever so long, surrounded by people who loved me and wanted me around them. So then where was the happiness, the feeling of things being ok...being good? Why was there a void inside me?? A void which nothing seemed to fill...an indifference which nothing seemed to erase. This was the state of my mind with which I set out to the beach with a couple of my friends. I can now safely say that it was the best thing I could have done for myself.
Sitting on the sand, watching the sun set, the breeze flowing around me and the waves crashing in front of me, it was a scene from a picture. So logically I should have been happy but no...my brain the devil that it is refused to be at peace here also and my ever so faithful heart also played its part. Sitting there all I could think was about things which were wrong there....ignoring the things which were right....and so the time went by. Without realising I got lost in the water and its vastness, its darkness and its mystery. The farther I looked the darker it became until suddenly I realised that all was not dark. My brain suddenly registered the white which would puncture the darkness of water. The colour of waves forming and crashing!! The blackness created by stillness was being coloured by the thrashing of the waves. And suddenly there I was, standing near the waters’ edge just looking ahead...my mind a complete blank...and then the first wave of water hit my feet jolting me out of my daze. Looking at the waves made me realise some things:
1) Thousands of droplets make a wave rendering them inconsequential alone. The same drops would be priceless in a desert.
2) Infinite waves are generated and yet a few brushed my feet and even fewer swamped my feet.
3) Footprints no matter how deeply engraved were eventually washed away
4) My desire to not get wet was not a deterrent to the water
Any sane person at this point would say SO WHAT?? These are all basic facts not rocket science and I completely agree. No rocket science here just like there is no rocket science in understanding life. Each of these points brought out certain facts into perspective...made me see things in a different light
1) Everything and everyone has a worth somewhere which is priceless.
2) Out of thousands of people you meet in a lifetime some are going to be closer and some are just gonna swamp you and there is nothing that you can do about it because that’s just how life is
3) Nothing is permanent, no matter what. Things, people, events change.
4) Some people are always going to exist in your life no matter what. It’s better to appreciate them sooner than later
Lost deep in thought was where I was when a hand crept up. And I found myself surrounded by my friends highlighting the most basic fact of life...you can run and you can hide but life will always ensure you are surrounded by people who love you and whom you love.
With that we walked towards the road heading back to our campus.
My questions were not answered and neither did the truth of life dawn upon me but I definitely got the energy and motivation to care again, to feel again...to want things again!!!

Expectations...

"There's a reason why people say we shouldn't expect too much, no one wants to see someone they care about end up disappointed. We instinctively act to protect our own from being hurt, and do what we can to make the right choices for people we love. But the reason we have expectations in the first place, is because we want to aim as high as we can. Because when you love someone, there's no limit to what you can accomplish." Heard this at a time when I probably needed to hear it the most. Was going through one of those phases where whoever u turn to is so engrossed in their own lives that there is no time for anyone else. It is at these times that you feel you should have had more people you could turn to in the first place but that doesn't solve the problem. Because no matter no matter how many people you are close to there is bound to come a time when they all will be busy. So you are back to square one. You may ask, where do expectations fit in all of this. Having that expectation from a close friend is the reason you called them up in the first place. You wanting your closest friends to be there is your expectations. You wanting them to understand that you are going through a low phase is your expectation. Every relation has its expectations. No matter how much try not to expect, no matter how much you convince yourself that you are not looking forward to something from that person, the expectations will always be there. They may be hidden but there none the less. Frankly, the closer you are to people the more the expectations there will be. Its human nature. But those expectations will differ from people to people. I am not saying they won't be there. They will be there, no doubt about that. They will just be something that you have suppressed, because you know that by expecting those things you will hurt yourself. Getting hurt is the biggest reason people don't want to have expectations. This is where that dialogue makes so much of sense. If you love someone, be it your parents, siblings, friends, boyfriend, girlfriend, you will always have those expectations, both from yourself and them. The expectations you have from yourself will make you a better person because you will always want to achieve more to make the other person happy. The expectations that you have from the other person will make you a better father, mother, sister, friend, because what you expect from them is somewhere what you do for them. So to expect more you will always do more for them. So having expectations is not bad. It’s actually good, provided you draw a line somewhere. You should have expectations in the sense that you should do what you would expect in return but after doing that you should forget the expectation. Because that is what hurts. That expectation that because i did something the other person should also reciprocate is what pulls us down. Because if our expectations are not fulfilled, we don't make the same effort the next time and that is what causes problems in the relationship. So expect the most from yourself because that is in your hand to give and achieve. Expect the best from others but be prepared for the worst because that way you will enjoy and appreciate every little action and gesture of theirs.

Forgive, forget or accept??

"They say 'Forgive and Forget' but i say 'Forget about forgiving and start accepting'"...Heard this in a movie recently and it got me thinking. How easy is it to forget, forgive or even accept? When people say that, they have forgotten a fight or a nasty episode, are they being honest? Do we forget those things or do we just push them to the back of our minds? Personally I believe that where we may still forgive people we don't ever forget, not if we were hurt in a big way or if it was really important to us. Out of the three accepting is the easiest and actually the first step. We can't forgive till we don't accept, and we definitely can't forget till we don't forgive. But is accepting something that easy? The other day I was having a conversation and said that I have accepted this fact. The rebuttal came that you have not accepted because you wanted to but because you had to; you accepted because not accepting meant you loosing something very important. I could not disagree because in essence that was true. I had accepted because that person was important to me and not accepting meant me getting hurt. So did that mean that I had not accepted that fact? Thinking about it made me realize that I had accepted that fact. Initially it may not have been acceptance and it may have been just me coming to terms with certain facts but eventually it led to acceptance. So coming back to the original question....forgive, forget or accept? The easiest of the three is definitely to accept and it may not be instant acceptance either. But ya eventually if that person or that thing is important to us we come to terms with it and eventually we accept.

When to move on....

Yesterday a friend of mine asked me a question - when do u you move forward? When do you stop pushing and start accepting? At that time, being overly optimistic and in a generally happy mood, i replied that I know when not to give up. It is when you are the most down and out that you should stick it out. My logic being that if you are at your lowest then you have pretty much hit rock bottom so there is no way to go but UP. Things are definitely bound to improve. When things returned to normal, for me that is, I actually thought that when do u stop pushing? When do you let things be? When do you realise that this is the time to walk away?? Is it when you have fallen for the 100th time? Or is it when you have wasted 30 min trying to get your thoughts in order for the millionth time? I guess it all depends on who you are, where you come from and how important is that thing or person in the first place!! Somewhere we humans have a tendency to follow the extreme path in life...either we will be overly optimistic or utterly pessimistic. Very few of us have actually learned the art of balancing the two emotions/feelings. Coming back to the point...when is enough too much? After much thinking and contemplating this is what i came up with....When that someone or something becomes bigger than who you are, it is a good time to sit and think where is it headed. When you get hurt more than you can handle it is probably a good time to introspect. When you start making things difficult for not only yourself but others around you, it is time to question yourself about what you are doing. I am not saying that we should not follow our dreams or that we shouldn't listen to our heart. Neither am I saying that you should give up easily, especially, if it is something that is of the uttermost importance. All I am saying is that maybe at times just letting things go is a better option. Maybe there is something much better for us out there, and all we have to is open up our minds and hearts for us to realize that it exists. Destiny has something in store for us; we just need to trust it!!!!